How Did This Happen?
I royally screwed up, again.
This was now the second time I messed up my schedule and forgot to go to work. My boss called me up, reamed me out, and I was feeling like a flaming sack of dog poo.
I came home to watch Girlboss for about the hundredth time. Since it’s creation, it’s been my go-to show whenever I need a pick me up. Something about Sophia, (the main character based off real life Nasty Gal creator, Sophia Amoruso,) really spoke to me. She’s so filled with passion, energy, determination and absolutely no clue what to do with all of it until she realizes she’s a natural entrepreneur. I was dying to devour more of her story. How did she continue growing her business? How was she going to overcome all of her hardships? What would she do next? And what was she going to wear through it all? But as usual, I got to the end of season 1 and found myself desperately wishing for a season 2. And then, finally, something in my brain clicked.
If I couldn’t watch more of her story, I’d just have to live it out.
A Little Backstory…or a lot.
In recent history, I’ve been feeling wildly out of alignment in terms of my destiny, a fact I’ve been alluding to in some recent blog posts. Since graduating High School, I’ve worked several jobs at once to afford traveling the world and put myself through college. I did everything from yoga instructing, answering phones as a receptionist, working at children’s camps and retail stores, house sitting, dog walking, baby sitting, and any other gig I could find in between.
However, college never felt like the perfect path for me. I changed my major at least once a year because I had so many passions, and hated the idea of choosing between them! I wanted to learn everything, do everything, see everything, and the thought of picking just one thing to get stuck in forever was terrifying. I felt lost and directionless but I’d never really been educated on alternative roads to success, so I felt like a loser for not wanting to pursue more than just an Associates Degree. Especially whenever friends or family asked what I planned to do instead, and I had no clue what to tell them.
There had to be something more… but what?
When I got certified to teach yoga, I thought I finally found the thing I could do forever. Of course, it didn’t fully pay the bills, so I kept working sporadic, unconventional jobs on the side too. My schedule was never the same and I lived paycheck to paycheck, but it was all worth it to me. Yoga allowed me to help and inspire people, make my own hours, explore my creativity and maybe even travel the world. And most importantly, it gave me plenty of time to pursue my favorite hobby; making YouTube videos.
I had been enamored with the “Influencer” lifestyle from the moment YouTubers started taking the world by storm. I watched as my favorite content creators were going from making videos in their bedroom, to getting their own fashion lines, traveling the world and living the kind of life I had only imagined in my wildest dreams. I loved that it was such a free space, to live and explore anything you wanted to. Freedom. Creativity. Passion. That’s what all of these Influencers had, and I wanted to be one of them.
I didn’t dare tell anyone what my real ambition was because for such a long time I felt like an absolute impostor. I suppose I was waiting for something or someone to give me permission. I didn’t want to talk about it until I was already a success. I was terrified of what people would think. I felt like I had to prove myself first. One day I’d have my own fashion line.
One day I’d start a business, write a book, travel the world, help people, become a girlboss! But not now, not until I “mattered.”
I worked on my YouTube and Blog inconsistently for 6 years, stopping and starting because I’d get embarrassed, or unmotivated or busy. But finally, at long last, I was about to get my very first paycheck from YouTube and that would validate me! Now I’d have something to show for all my hard work and maybe one day soon, I could actually turn this into a career!
And then YouTube changed their Partner program and demonetized me.
Finding my Purpose
I had no idea how long it would be before I might become a Partner again. I took a long, hard look at everything I’d been working towards and the life I was living and realized, I didn’t care. I wasn’t giving up that easy. I still loved creating content and truthfully, I only had myself to blame. I hadn’t been taking myself seriously. I was being too wishy-washy. I wasn’t showing up to the world everyday like I was grateful to be there. I spent so much time feeling insecure, confused and shy that I didn’t allow myself to truly pursue the destiny I knew I was meant for.
I had wasted too much precious time absorbing content when I should’ve been out their creating it. I knew one day I’d have a family, a home, major responsibilities, a “real job.” That’s what I was supposed to want right? So these were my years to really go for it, if it were ever going to happen. So much time had flown before my eyes since the first day I sat in front of a camera and introduced myself to the world.
I had so many bright visions on that day, of what my life would be like by this point, and I’d allowed fear, embarrassment and frustration to get in the way of all that. But not anymore.
I was getting exhausted, being pulled in so many different directions from a million different side hustles. I couldn’t focus, and I was getting so stressed and forgetful that I was constantly late or in the wrong place at the wrong time and the worst part was, I felt I had no real direction or reason for doing it all. I was investing all of my time and energy into everyone else’s businesses, and at long last, I was finally ready to invest in my own. It started to become clear that nothing I was doing was as fulfilling as the blogger world, not even yoga. I felt disappointed in myself for not wanting to pursue yoga as a career anymore, but yoga had helped me start listening to my heart again, and I finally knew what it was saying.
I realized I’d always been secretly hoping that my efforts on YouTube, Instagram or my blog would take off and then I’d finally be able to devote all my time and energy to doing that, and only that.
Despite the fact that I wasn’t making money, I wasn’t ready to give up yet and that kind of passion is hard to tap into.
But I was stuck at a crossroads. I knew that if I was ever going to live my dream life, I needed to start devoting every last drop of time and attention into creating that life for myself. But I also needed to make money in the mean time to you know… survive? I didn’t want to go back to the 9-5 working world because I knew that would eat up too much of my time for too little money, but I also didn’t want to keep running around between side hustles that left me exhausted and unfocused. And that’s when Girlboss changed my life.
Unleashing my Inner Girlboss
After watching Sophia walk off camera in the finale of Girlboss one last time, I noticed a beautifully brand new parallel in our stories. She’d been growing her business on Ebay with wild success until suddenly, she was kicked off and forced to take her career to the next level, on her own. I thought about how the paycheck I’d worked for for YEARS to get was ripped away from me by YouTube and wondered if, like Sophia, I could find a way to branch off on my own without being at the mercy of anyone other than myself.
Practically overnight, I made the decision to bring my passions to life. I stopped caring about what anyone thought and more importantly, I stopped waiting around for permission. I didn’t need to wait for anyone to tell me I could start a business or change the world or do anything else I’d been waiting to do until I became “relevant.” This is my life and I make the decisions! Little by little, slow and steady, this is how we grow. Not by hiding our gifts away and then revealing them when perhaps it’s too late. And maybe it never goes anywhere! Maybe it never turns into the big, crazy fantasy we always imagined. But maybe it will. And maybe along the way, the lessons you learn, and the people you help are much more important than the end results anyway.
So while Sophia’s story ends with a launch party, that’s precisely where I wanted mine to begin.
On July 7, 2018, I announced the Official Wear is She Now online store to the world. A microscopic win at best in the eyes of many, but to me, this meant everything. This was my statement to the universe, I’m here, I’m excited and grateful to be alive and I’m ready now, more than ever to do what I’ve always been meant to do! To celebrate I hosted a launch party and Pop Up Shop right in my front yard! It was small, it wasn’t perfect, but it was the first official step on my journey since fully embracing my purpose.
Look, I’m not a business expert, I’m not a fashion guru and most of the time, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. But for the first time in my whole career, because yes, this is my career, I feel I deserve to be on the playing field. I might not be the best player out there, but it’s a hell of a lot more thrilling than being on the sidelines! (not sure why I randomly chose to use a sports analogy there… I hate sports, but I digress.)
I choose to show up in the world as a Girlboss, despite my lack of know how or experience or all the fears I still face on the daily. And you can too!
Whatever it is you want to do, whether you feel “ready” or not, it’s time for you to start, because the only real thing standing in your way is yourself.
Here’s the thing, you’ve only got a little bit of time on this earth. I know everyone says that, but we need to hear it over and over until it sinks in because we take it for granted all too often. Sometimes it takes these giant setbacks in the road to wake us up, to make us realize that we should’ve started sooner or that we should’ve kept going. So take it from someone who spent too much time on all the wrong things, whatever your passion is, go out and start seeking it NOW. Not later today, not tomorrow, not in a week. What have you been putting off that you’re afraid to face? What have you been dreaming of since you were little that you never wanted to admit? Follow that passion and let the world shape you into the girlboss you know you’re supposed to be.
Where is She Now?
Currently, I’m still grinding it out with a few of my side hustles just to pay the bills but for the first time EVER I’m seeing the fruits of my labor in so many ways! My online boutique is growing little by little, I’ve been landing brand deals and I’m discovering countless ways every day to make money as a blogger and YouTuber, aside from the YouTube partnership program. That means I get to do what I love a little more everyday and for the first time in my life, I don’t feel confused or scared. Most importantly though, my mindset has shifted. I no longer feel like an impostor. All the extra hustling is bearable, even enjoyable again because there’s so much purpose fueling everything I do. I hope that by this time next year, I’ll have so much more to update you on! From now on I know exactly who I am and what my purpose is.
I’m a girlboss, baby! And I can’t wait to show you what comes next.
With peace, love and pixie dust,